Scottish mathematician Sir Alex Ferguson has for years been working towards a unified conspiracy theory of everything. While Carlos Quieros prepares the team for the new season, Fergie spends his time in his 'thinking' room, trying to further unravel the complex mysteries that surround him. 

In what is possibly his final season at Manchester United (the club formed by Sir Isaac Newton Heath) he has come clean on his ultimate goal - to prove to everyone that everyone is out to get him. Fergie's Last Theorem reveals the working of a brilliant but troubled mind. He feels he has had success at Manchester United despite the massive forces marshalled against him and, in an open letter to the United Nations, has outlined 10 supposedly unconnected strands that are part of some kind of evil plot. 

1. UEFA... "don't want United to do well" 
2. FA... "trying to scupper their chances" 
3. David Dein... "Arsenal get preferential treatment" 
4. Chelsea... "Unsettling Rio" 
5. Match officials... "never give us penalties" 
6. Keano's dog... "briefing against me. Wees on carpet" 
7. Arsene Wenger... "Head of Opus Dei" 
8. Fifa... "hate us" 
9. Rock of Gibraltar... "Trojan horse" 
10. David Beckham's sarong... "Gave me high blood pressure" 

Unfortunately, the list of supposedly connected things is so long that so far anyone who has tried to decipher what Sir Alex is on about has fallen into a deep sleep before he has had a chance to finish. Which proves Fergie's theory. "The fact that everyone falls asleep proves that they're all in on it!" he shouts, while climbing up the side of the Empire State Building carrying a beautiful young woman in his arms. Meanwhile, United's new bosses respond by gently ushering Sir Alex towards a padded bath chair and drafting job adverts on their home computers.