Ever since the Premier League's inception, most football fans have believed that there are countless parallel universes out there (it's helped them stay sane). And from the beginning of this season mathematicians and scientists, puzzled over West Ham's loss of form, have discussed the possibility that in a mirror universe the East Londoners are a dominant force in British football. Which leads one to ask the obvious question, how many Alan Pardews might possibly exist? And are any of them any good?

But now it appears that the West Ham fans have sorted out the confusion, by their recent exclamation that "there's only one Alan Pardew!" It's good news for the beleagured Hammers boss:

"It's a relief to know that I'm the only Alan Pardew. What with new owners probably coming in soon, the last thing I want is some Alan Pardew from another plane of reality swanking in from the 4th dimension or whatever and nicking my job. But, as usual, the Hammers fans know the score, and I'm happy with that."

Pardew hopes to be able to utilise wormhole theory to move up the league quickly and plans to discuss the technicalities with Hammers supporters. "The fans understand," smiled Pardew.