Anything Manchester United can do, Liverpool FC can do twice as well. Got an American owner? Liverpool have got two. And luckily for Reds fans, Tom Hicks and George Gillett are adamant that they are going to push ahead with the new Liverpool FC stadium plans.

"We're pragmatists," said Hicks, "We realise that to earn more millions we need to get more people into that new ground. We think big, so we want it TWICE as big. And I'm talking real fans - hard working executives who take time off from their gruelling jet-set wealth-making schedules to assertively gulp down Dom Perignon and eat lobster with their cronies, none of your fly-by-night prawn sandwich brigade, milquetoast family men who might miss a match if their kids are sick or pathetically skint teenagers."

But when they approached the local council with their plans to double the ground capacity they were told of the intricacies of English planning law.
"Planning law, schmanning shmaw!" shouts Gillett. So they jotted down their ideas on the back of a beermat:
* "Underground executive boxes. You won't see any live action but at least you'll get away from the ground fast before the end of a turgid nil-nil in midwinter."
* "Hot air ballons in the image of Bill Paisley and Bob Shankley, carrying executive boxes. You can move your position and drop flour bombs on Goodison Park (the the so-called "council" will probably frown on that)"
* "Space stations carrying executive boxes. We hope to mark out the moon as Liverpool FC hotspot. We'll get Rick Parry to sort it out."

But one of their most outlandish schemes is to entice more local people along to the ground. With affordable ticket pricing?
"Heck no!" says Hicks, "we plan to put leaflets through people's letterboxes explaining How to Become A Milionaire. Then they'll soon be able to afford to come and see the team on a regular basis. Creating a millionaire mindset is what urban regeneration is all about."

Is everyone at the club as excited as they are?

"Heck, yes! Rafa is so excited he spends all his time on the internet looking at cheap flights to Spain. He must be keen to get his family over to come and look at our plans. And Rick Parry's so thrilled with us his hair has started falling out."